Where have I been all week?

Hiding? Nah. Scouting like the BAMF I am. I’ve got everything figured out. I just didn’t want to post all week to make that douche Simon freak out and wonder what we’re up to. Your death, motherfucker.

Stay tuned for the rest of the night as I fill you guys in on what’s been going on this week, right before I end this.

Pitiful like a fox, you little bitch

I’ve known kids like you, Simon. Kids that really needed, were begging for four knuckles in the mouth. And like I supplied their needs, I’m going to give you the bullet in your sick little skull I can tell you’re desperate for.

You need a brain buster like Garth Brooks as a penny needs a wishing well. That bad. So I’m going to find you. I’m going to put you down like the rabid Chihuahua you are. Big Tim’s gonna do wheelie donuts in his chair around the bonfire we build on top of your ugly corpse. Then my friends and I are gonna mop up the zombies you shit all over the place. We’re gonna go find other people that don’t suck like you and together, we’re all gonna put down the other rabid dogs like those morons in Big Falls.

Because someone who makes a world that still has internet but he’s the only living person in it is pathetic. And no match for me, much less us. This is the last week of your life.

Pitiful.

Eric. I see you and the threesome crew are harboring that little fucker, Coxsucker.

I would give you a chance to kick him out, and I’d say “I’ll spare you” if you did, but I’m not in that kind of mood today. I’m in the “you all die” kind of mood today.

So keep him. It’s pretty obvious to me that you are only letting him stay with you because of his abilities. And I’d like to let you and everyone know that NO ONE FUCKS WITH ME.

So I’ll be letting your friends in Big Falls know of your location… somehow. I don’t think those idiots have ever heard of a computer. But they have guns, and cars, and once I let them know you’re where you are, they can drive up, shoot you up, and make sexy time with your corpses or whatever it is they do with corpses. Make smoothies? I don’t know, those fucks are weird.

I’ll give you and your buttbuddies a week to sit on your thumbs in that house, and then every zombie in the city limits will be taking a little walk in that direction. I can do that. Then, as soon as I can train a zombie to drive a car, I’ll send a message down the highway a ways so, if you somehow survive every zombie in town, the inbreds can come ruin your shit for me.

Because you’re not worth it. I am on the frontier of this new, pointless as it ever has been, but appropriately dead world. You are pathetic worms waiting to be eaten by the birds.

The birds are coming.

Hello, sir.

Tim and Carly have a radio. I turned it to the frequency of the variety station from Canada, 93.1. Guess what was on it?

“…majority of you walk the streets and earth, dead on your feet. The rest of you are both doomed and not deserving of life. You are nothing. What is different between you and the undead from which you hide? They will devour you. After that, nothing. You will all be one. The humans of the world have been digging their own…”

I turned it to 93.3.

“…existed. You kill each other in the names of gods who don’t exist. You build weapons of mass destruction to kill wholesale your “enemies.” People who don’t…”

93.5.

“…who’s governments don’t agree with you. You ignore each…”

100.9.

“…Plague Lord. I have brought about the absolution that is…”

What the hell is this shit? Every frequency? Ugh.

Guess what happened at six o clock this morning! …Yeah, you never would.

Well I was sleeping (obviously) and awoke to the sounds zombies trying to break the walls down. This elicited an emotional reaction in me similar to what I imagine a Vietnam vet would feel if he heard gunshots outside of his house.

I woke up Carly to help and Tim so he wouldn’t feel like an ass sleeping through us cleaning up the mess outside. Because he would. Dude practically dies every night and reanimates in the morning. Probably not an appropriate metaphor given the state of the world right now. Anyway.

We peeked outside from the second floor windows, and what didn’t surprise us was the tight ring of zombies around the house. What did was the living man trying to make his way to our door with a crowbar. He looked pretty desperate.

We ran back downstairs and waited at the door until he got close enough to knock, yanked it open, and hauled him inside. Tim immediately trained his gun on the guy, who promptly threw his hands up. He was wearing glasses and a backpack. He didn’t carry a gun, just his crowbar.

“What the hell do you want?” I demanded.

“Please. My place got overrun. I saw your boarded windows so I thought there must be people here.”

“What’s your name?” Carly asked.

“Jared Cox. I’m a geneticist. My friend and I were trying to get these viruses figured out. A giant horde seemingly came out of nowhere and bulldozed us.”

“What happened to him?” I asked. He didn’t say anything. I can be kind of insensitive.

“Did you figure anything out?” Tim asked.

“All the further we got was that we found out this virus is really… tweakable. It’s not very hard to change its behavior and effects.”

Really…” I said.

“Yeah, I just need a place to stay while I get myself back together and figure out where to get the equipment to keep working on it. Luckily I was able to save a couple petri dishes of the viruses.”

He opened his backpack and showed us the contents.

“I brought enough food for myself for a few days.”

That sounded fair to me. I looked at Carly and Tim. Carly gave me a sideways glance and shrugged. Tim lowered his gun.

“Uh… Sorry about the mess outside,” Jared said.

“Shit happens,” I said. “Carly?”

“Eric.”

“Let’s go clean this up. Quietly.”

Sure thing, she said.

Glad to be alive.

Hey, guys, sorry it’s been almost a week. You probably thought I died, and not in the classic internet way, either. Like the actual way. Truth is, I thought I was going to die for a while there, too. Like actually die.

I would have been better off talking to Big Tim just a little while longer and maybe I might have ended up telling him approximately where I was when we were talking. Then he could have warned me.

I was on my way to International Falls and the last town I had to go through was Big Falls. Some of you might remember that I tweeted right outside of it. Driving through, I hit road spikes. Not the accidental kind.

All four of my tires blew and I was forced to stop. Which, obviously, was part of the plan. At least six people popped out from around buildings and seemingly abandoned vehicles, guns trained on me, screaming at me to get out of the car.

What would you do? I ducked and drew. They shot up the car, miraculously missing me. Then I did what you probably would have done, held my hands up and got out of the car. They pulled a sack over my head, as if that would do anything. It doesn’t matter if I can’t see where I’m being taken, it’s Big Falls. Want to leave? Walk until you’re not in a miniature shit hole.

Anyway, these assholes drug me somewhere. On my way out I didn’t even see which of the five buildings it was. They tossed me in a tiny room and left. The other occupant pulled the sack off for me.

“Little Timmy?” I asked.

“Carly?” she replied.

“Carly. I’m Lassie- I mean, Eric.”

“Lassie?”

“It’s a codename. Your… boyfriend? sent me?”

“Tim?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s my husband.”

“Got it. How are we going to get out of here?”

“Well,” I began. “I have a really stupid idea.”

When a guy came to check on us (which, why bother? But he did.) I was pressed against the well next to the opening side of the door. He didn’t open it slowly or anything, just kind of came barging in. Luckily his sidearm was holstered on the side of him I was standing on and I just reached out and plucked it off his hip.

He snatched at it but I pistol whipped him in the face, stunning him. Then I hit him again in the temple, which put him down. I didn’t want to take any shots I didn’t have to, and bring the entire asshole brigade charging in at us.

We hid his body and I hid his gun in my pants with my shirt covering it so you couldn’t see that I had it. We had no idea the positioning of any of the men, so getting caught was likely.

Sure enough, someone saw us but we both threw our hands up and they didn’t shoot. He whistled as he approached us, the muzzle of his shotgun trained on us the entire time. In just a minute or two, another guy arrived, looking kind of leader-y. I don’t know.

Then came the fun part. They decided they couldn’t just leave us locked up, so they threw us in a zombie-filled mud flat called “The Well.”

Little Timmy was stuck in the well, along with Lassie. We were pretty much fucked. “You got five minutes!” the leader-y-looking dude yelled at us as they started loading shotguns. I sparta-kicked a zombie that was uncomfortably close and turned to look at Carly.

North,” I mouthed silently as I jerked my head south. I think she got it. We took off through the hordes going southeast, away from our captors and away from the actual direction we planned on traveling once we got into the trees. But they were so, so far away. We had five minutes.

The trees weren’t actually that far away, but we had a lot of zombies to run through. Once we got about halfway to the woods and hadn’t done more than push away a single zombie, the morons must have figured out our plan. I don’t know what else anybody else would have done (stand, fight, and get eaten?), but I heard a great deal of very loud swearing from the road.

“Coupla mondo pussies!” one guy called. I turned back just briefly to see what they were doing. Which was pushing through the zombies with their shotguns. Which would probably take them forever. One guy had a better idea, which was do what we were doing, and was covering pretty decent ground weaving through the zombies after us carrying only a handgun.

“C’mon,” Carly said and we kept after the tree line. I kept checking back for the guy and he was actually gaining ground on us. We were almost to the trees by the time he was just about catching up, firing inaccurate shots over our heads. I put the speed on and made it behind a tree. I look over and saw Carly behind another one. I pulled my own stolen gun and peeked around the corner for the guy.

The bark splintered and flew off the trunk as the guy tried to shoot me through the tree, the shot missing by inches. I saw his muzzle flash, which told me where he was. I popped out and fired three rounds into his center mass. He dropped. He had been a few yards clear of any zombies (they thinned out considerably near the woods) but I could tell they were going to converge on his corpse. I sprinted to it, kicked one zombie, shot another, and snatched his gun off the ground. I trotted back to the woods and passed it to Carly.

“It’s still warm,” she said.

“Let’s get out of their sight and turn north,” I said.

“Good plan.”

I looked back once more at the men following us. They were making progress, albeit slow. They didn’t seem to know what had gone down at the treeline, but they probably didn’t realize I had killed him, since they don’t know I had a gun.

We could wait in the trees and pick them all off as they get close-

C’mon,” Carly said. What followed was a lot of boring and tedious walking through the woods, crossing a river, and walking through the woods some more. We didn’t want to pick up the highway in case the assholes came after us. If they even survived their own “Well.”

We did decide to steal a vehicle in Littlefork after walking through the woods for three damn days. The drive of the rest of the distance to I Falls only took three hours, with all of the shit and catastrophe in the road.

I would have posted this sooner, but we’ve had a lot of work fixing up the house they’re in and getting back on our feet. Plus, I just needed to rest. So there.

Timmy is definitely, for sure stuck in the well.

I was finally able to IM Big Tim, apparently the power had gone out up in the I Falls area and he almost died. Read on to find out why.

still_human: Big Tim?
big_tim: yes, whos this?
still_human: im not in the i falls area but really close. i need to leave where i am. is there anything i can help with?
big_tim: my girlfriend left to get supplies a few days ago and hasnt returned. im afraid she got picked up by some assholes on the road. the zombies would never take her down. i cant know for sure but i feel like shes still alive.
still_human: y dont u go get her?
big_tim: i cant leave the house. im in a wheelchair.
still_human: no shit? damn. how come you havent been online? you posted your distress signal like days ago.
big_tim: power went out. battery on my electric chair was dead, couldnt get into my other one. electric one is impossible to push by hand if its dead.
still_human: holy damn.
big_tim: i actually almost died. i ended up having to pull myself up the stairs to get more food.
still_human: very matter of fact.
big_tim: it is what it is.
still_human: whats your girlfriends name?
big_tim: we can call her little timmy.
still_human: all right. then im Lassie.
big_tim: i like it. we would be infinitely grateful to you if you could bring her back safely.
Lassie: so whats the plan?
big_tim: keep it simple. meet me in the falls and well figure out a strategy. do you know the town?
Lassie: yeah
big_tim: im holed up in 191 riverfront st.
Lassie: got it. i like that. one step at a time. ill be there as soon as i can. to get little timmy out of the well.
big_tim: …i dont know if im comfortable with u making a joke out of it
Lassie: hey man you thought of the codename not me. and we need to joke to keep our sanity.
big_tim: …
Lassie: so that, at the end of the day, we know were still human.
Lassie: ill be up there as soon as i can.

Now that that conversation is over, I need to figure out how to get out of here. I want to save ammo for bandits, so I need to get out of here quietly. I think I’ll do my zipline plan and bring the air hose with so I can air my bike tires and toss it in  my stolen truck, which I hope still has gas. If someone siphoned the truck, I’ll be in a spot since I’m going for the truck first. If someone siphoned both of my vehicles, I’m fucked.

I loaded up a backpack with ammo, my guns, and as much survival gear and food as I could stuff into it, in that order. You’ll hear from me again when I get to Big Tim’s place. Lassie out.