This’ll be a short post.

So I heard from someone online that he heard from a friend of his who knows someone who’s sister is a nurse or whatever, ANYWAY, apparently there are two strains of the zombie virus. The first was an airborne rabies, more or less, that made people crazy and bitey. The weird part is that there is a latent stage where you have contracted it and are contagious, but not crazy yet. Then, that virus makes way for another virus which kicks in when the body is killed and reanimates the nervous system ONLY and generates enough brain function to make the person want to consume the flesh of others. The second virus is airborne but you’re only susceptible if you have contracted the first virus. You can get the second virus from a fluid transfer without the first virus though, resulting in the hordes stumbling around outside.

Basically what this means is that the outbreak of the epidemic was slower but more plausible. The first virus is all but irrelevant now except that a living person killed without having their brain destroyed can get back up again. So kill everything’s brain. Just an interesting tidbit… It sounds way too coordinated to be natural, so either our own scientists fucked up and accidentally (on purpose?) let this out, or someone else did it. Those crazy North Korean bastards, maybe? I mean, they must know their nukes are shit, so they could have tried something this stupid. It worked, anyway.

The zombies are one thing, but what really scares me are other people. Shit like this drives everyone nuts. I was camped out on the second floor of my house today, just looking out all the windows and trying to gauge the situation outside. There was an extra-huge amount of zombies outside, but then I saw something worse. A jeep rolled down the street with a guy sticking out the sun roof holding some kind of assault rifle. There was a guy driving, a guy in the driver’s side back seat, and two women in the other two seats with their heads down. I wonder what that was all about.

Then a few things happened in quick succession. A zombie I must have missed started pounding on my back door, make loud rattling noises. Then my dog started barking. I ran downstairs and tried to calm him down, soothe him, coaxe him into the basement, nothing. He wouldn’t shut up, and he has a hell of a pair of lungs. To me, it sounded like the single loudest noise in the world. I ran back upstairs and peeked out every window. Hordes and hordes of zombies were closing in on my house. I couldn’t kill the zombie rattling on the door because he probably wouldn’t even stop. Then the other ones would get to the house and starting banging away, too.

I ran back downstairs and pleaded with him to stop barking. Begged him. I pulled my Five-seveN out of my pocket and considered it with a long, sad gaze… But that would make too much noise, and the Louisville Slugger standing up in the corner caught my eye. That would make way less noise…

I grabbed it from the corner and just looked at Sluggo. He wouldn’t quit. Another zom started banging on my front door. No time left. I murmured a quick prayer to myself, tried not to burst into uncontrollable sobbing, readied the bat, and swung for Sluggo’s head. The barking cut off instantly, without even some kind of squeal to signal it had hurt. There was just a gross crunch and he dropped.

I slumped to the floor as I heard first one, then two, then more pairs of hands clawing at my windows. Hours later I’m typing this and they still haven’t quit.


More Work.

So I realized I’m not quite done working yet. I forgot to get a ladder to get from my first floor to my second floor. I moved all of the important stuff to the second floor, but my kitchen, big bathroom, and dog are all on the first floor. Not sure what to do with my dog. He needs to be able to shit in the basement, so I can’t really put him on the second floor. Especially since I forgot to get a ladder.

Yeah, I use a rope to climb from one floor to the other. It’s a pain in the ass and there’s no way I could get my dog up or down it. Unless I made a pulley system… But then I’d have to get a pulley. And understand how pulley systems work. (haha! I kid. I think I know how they work…). I’m not sure if zombies can climb ladders, but I’m not about to go sit on one in the middle of the road to find out. And besides, I can just pull it up after me and I’m golden. Except for my dog. Hm….

Today I peeked my head out the door like a cartoon character checking to see if the coast is clear. It was, at least in my yard. I crept out as quietly as possible (bat in hand for encounters and pistol in holster for emergencies) and took down my clothesline. It’s a nice, solid, steel cable. I secured one end to to a thick branch of a tree next to my garage and tossed the other into an open second story window. I meant to zipline to my bike to make an escape if necessary, but there were problems with that. The bike would need to be far enough from my house that I could zip over any hordes trying to knock the walls down and simply bike away behind them. But it also needed to be where I could use my air compressor on it to top off the tires. Also, the air compressor is loud. I screwed some garage hangers to the outside wall and hung up my bike.

I decided to connect all of the extra compressor hose that I had and secure the nozzle to the bent pipe I’m going to use as a pulley to zip down it. That way, the noise would come from my house and I’d have time to fill the tires before I rode off. I also tied some rope to a very high, but sturdy branch that was actually in danger of poking my house. That way, I could Tarzan swing back from the tree into the house if I have to.

The other problem was arming myself. My Five-seveN is reliable, but it fires an uncommon round that might be hard to find. Then again, since the gun is uncommon, people might not have snatched up the ammo for it. I wanted to find a 9mm Glock which is far more ubiquitous and thus easier to find ammo for. On the other hand, the ammo might ironically be impossible to find since everyone may have grabbed it. Either way, I want one just to have options. The only place I could think of in town that sells guns is Gander Mountain. So I hopped on my bike and took off up town.

There were a lot more zombies hobbling around to weave through. There was a bit of a mess in the Gander Mountain parking lot, cars all abandoned after being rammed into each other. I actually saw a five-car star-crash, as if all of them had tried to drive to the exact same spot from five perfectly different directions.

I stepped through a broken glass pane on the sliding doors and looked around cautiously. The place had been looted to hell and was a total mess. I drew my Five-seveN and held it at the ready as I crept through the store toward the firearm section. Stripped clean, as far as I could tell. I thought I heard a noise several aisles away, like someone had knocked something off a shelf. Great. Zombies walking around everywhere and I get blasted by some bastard in an empty Gander Mountain.

I got even lower and sneaked to where the store receives incoming merchandise. A few boxes were ripped open, but otherwise there were a few full pallets of untouched stuff. People don’t know that’s there? I started scanning the pallets for brand names. I considered demolishing them to see if there was anything in the middle, but I didn’t want to make noise or spend too much time in there. Finally, on a pallet near the back, I spied a box with the word “Glock” on the side. I whipped out my knife and cut through the plastic wrap and box, and there they were: six pistolas, just chillin. I considered only taking like two, but then just cut more of the plastic away and took the whole box. Obviously, I need ammo for them, but I’ll worry about that later. I needed to get out of there.

I never saw whatever made that noise, if there even was someone there. I snatched a stray backpack on my way out and shoved the Glock box in it. I made it back to my bike and biked home, having to go around a few blocks due to high concentrations of zombies.

Then, as you’re aware, the power went out AGAIN so I didn’t get to put this up until now. But here it is! Like, days later. I guess we’re lucky the power’s still up. We might need to figure out a way to maintain that condition or we’ll all be dark and unable to communicate.

No post, been busy.

Sorry there was no post the last few days.

I’ve been busy.

Working on defending myself from the shit storm that started, at least for me, last Tuesday. What was I doing all day, and in fact, all night? Zombie proofing my house, as you should be. Unless you’re mobile, which is better. Anyway.

First, at 5 AM (this was on Monday), I drove to Menard’s. Which was terrifying even though it wasn’t that dangerous. I saw a few corpses stumbling around, not that many, but when I drove by, they would turn and stumble after my car. Which is terrifying even though they can’t catch me. And I had to drive around some wreckage and abandoned cars and shit. Mostly at the intersections. But that meant I had to drive at like 10 mph, which sucked with all of those things trotting after me. And once I got into the parking lot, there were still a few harassing me so the only thing I could do was run them over… Yeah.

I don’t know how anyone functions at 5 AM, but there was on person in there facing shelves. I’m guessing there wasn’t any freight to put out on account of the trucks probably not arriving. They have trouble arriving when there aren’t dead people crawling all over the roads. I approached the bespectacled older man to inquire about why the hell they were in here facing shelves, especially when it seemed that there had been more than a little looting already. Because you can sure as shit bet I didn’t go to work that day. The man had a very slow, thoughtful way of speaking.

“I just came in to work same as always. No freight so I just started straightening up. I kind of wonder if there was some sale I didn’t know about because these shelves are empty.”
“Do you know what’s going on?”
“Well like I said, there might have been some kind of sale. I don’t know how I wouldn’t know about it, but anything’s possible I guess.”
“Have you seen the news?”
“TV broke a couple years back so now I just read the paper. Haven’t got it in a few days though. Strange.”
“Did you see the people outside?”
“Oh, the drunks? I pretty much just ignore them.”
I reflected on the fact that one of the ones I had run over was missing an arm and half his face. There was nothing more for me to see here.

I made my way around the store, gathering hand tools (drill, hammer, hack saw, screwdriver set, pliers, etc.), nails, screws, anchors, blackout curtains (at this point I switched from my shopping cart to a lumber cart), boards, plywood, insulation, more plywood, paneling, another lumber cart, three generators, a gun safe (probably pointless), rope, dog food, yards and yards of outdoor extensions cords, an air compressor, air compressor hose, a metal baseball bat, a crowbar, a sledge hammer, a bunch of camping gear, some zombie ammo cans (little plastic box with stupid zombie stuff printed on the side), and a book by Glenn Beck. Because to survive, sometimes you have to be an asshole.

I headed for the checkouts but there were no cashiers. Now, it’s typical to see few cashiers in the Bemidji Menard’s, but there were none. So I just kept on through, bagged up the small stuff, and out I went. I was immediately aware that I wouldn’t be able to fit all of this stuff in my car. I scanned the parking lot for something to steal, and on the far side of the lot was a big white truck. Between me and it, three dead guys. I grabbed my bat from my cart and started forward.

Once I finished making a mess in the lot, I walked over to the truck and tried the door. Unlocked. Keys in the ignition. I just hoped it didn’t belong to the stocker inside. But even if it did, he’s fucked anyway, right? Yeah. I started the truck (half a tank of gas), and drove it to where I left my carts, loaded it up, and brought everything home. I got all of my crap inside but then I had a decision to make: get to work or go back for my car. I decided I could go one more day before building, I didn’t want to build at night, and someone might raid my car. So I hopped on my bike and headed back up town to Menard’s, which took a while.

A bike is supposedly the best vehicle for a zombie apocalypse because it’s quiet, versatile, and doesn’t need fuel. But let me tell you, riding through town without the enclosure of a car for protection and knowing the only way you’re going to get anywhere is if you peddle yourself, with all of those cannibalistic mofos  stanky legging after you… Shit’s nerve racking.

I came to my car, beat off down some zom’s, stuffed my bike in the trunk, and drove it back home.

Tuesday, as soon as the sun came up, I got to work. Scoped out around my house. Nothing for a couple of blocks. That I could see. Seems like they like to hide in bushes. Anyway. I used my drill to cover my first floor windows with plywood and packed insulation between the fiber sheet and the window. The drill is quieter than the hammer and screws hold better. It helps that they’re like three inches long. I covered both the second floor and first floor windows with the blackout curtains (the first floor ones for good measure, just to provide backup for the plywood). Most importantly, I moved all of my supplies to the second floor. Even if the house gets swarmed, I can hold out on the second floor. Especially after I caved in the staircase with my sledge hammer. I would have used C4 or something, but I don’t have any and I don’t know how to control the blast. I was worried the banging of the hammer would draw zombies (trying to get used to the word), but I think I’m OK. I let my dog out of the basement and hopefully he’s realized he can shit in the basement because he can’t go outside, obviously.

I would have posted this on Wednesday, but the power went out for a while so I just went to bed. Thank God it came back on, but I’m a bit incredulous that it would even still be on at all. Or the internet, for that matter. I hope it keeps up. Especially the power… Yeah. Talk at you tomorrow?