Yeah so now on the news they’re actually referring to this shit as a series, quickly describing each attack as they rattle off the list. Over half have been in hospitals and clinics. I’d say it’s obvious these people aren’t all criminals or psychopaths or anything, but the question then is what the hell is wrong with them? Why are people biting each other? And don’t even say “OMG ZOMBIES LOL” because that’s idiotic. And besides, these bitey people die even from a shot to the chest, not only the head. Uh, that was on the news. Yeah.
Even weirder, this stuff my recycling guy told me. I was taking my cans and bottles down to the recycling dumpster, which was overflowing, and he was there with his truck backed up to it. He had to pick up whatever had flowed over by hand which I thought was pretty shitty. So I helped him with it, being the nice person that I am, who never shoots or bludgeons anyone for any reason. Luckily he didn’t try to bite me or I would have had to take him down and stuff his body in the dumpster, not that I’ve ever had to do anything like that.
But I decided to ask him about the shit that’s been going on lately. He said he didn’t really know what could be going on, but that he’d had to flee a few pick up spots when people tried to attack him. They all looked sick, he said. Bloodshot eyes, drool, snarling. “But get this,” he said. “My friend Joe’s cousin Steve told him he heard about this 911 call. The caller said he had been attacked by a biter and killed the person. The cops showed up, saw the body, and started asking the caller questions outside the house while they waited for the CSI to show up. CSI gets there, body’s gone.”
“No shit,” I said. “You bet your ass,” the recycling guy said as he tossed a bag of cans into his truck. “At least that’s what I heard. But there’s more.”
“Don’t tell me. The caller ended up attacking the cops.”
“How’d you know?” Because zombies but I don’t believe it. Not for a second. He continued.
“My uncle plays poker with this guy whose wife told the girl I’m seeing that the cops’ve had to kill a whole buncha people in the police station and hospitals. Both the attackers at the station and the victims in the hospitals for turning on the doctors and nurses. And then even those same doctors and nurses. The press has no idea.”
“For fuck’s sake, are you trying to tell me this is the beginning of the zombie apocalypse?”
“Just telling you what I heard, guy. I think all that horror stuff is stupid, myself.”
“How would any of these people know any of this?”
“Just telling you what I heard.”
Driving past the graveyard today I saw that the three graves that were empty the other day were filled, dirt packed neatly on top and bulging up from the ground due to the extra volume of the coffin. But there weren’t only three, there were at least ten. Probably more like fifteen. I wonder if they just skipped the funerals and threw em in the ground to dodge the press. No, that’s stupid. The recycling guy is stupid.
It’ll be nice to get out of town though. I’m heading down to Duluth for a toga party. I know back in Rome they drank wine, but I’m not a fan. I’m not a fan of beer either. No, tonight it will be Smirnoff and Monster. Mix the uppers and the downers to keep it going long and strong. I know it’s stupid. But I need to get out of the town with all the freshly-filled graves and do something stupid and have some fun. I’m scheduling this to go up at 4 PM. I’ll be back tomorrow. Forget the biting and violence. Anyone else doing something fun tonight?