Thank you all for being so helpful with my “dilemma” yesterday. For lack of better advice, I ended up just burying it somewhere else far, far away from me. I thought about taking it to the landfill but I figured someone who works there would see it and, I don’t know, say something. Or call the cops. That would be bad. At any rate, it’s definitely NOT still in my yard.
I’m just KIDDING! Obviously. I haven’t seen that crazy bastard in over twenty four hours. But seriously, what’s the deal with all of the violence lately? I mean, I’ve seen Bowling for Columbine. I know how we are. It’s just that it’s usually gun shootings and knife stabbings, and up on the rez. I saw on the news that someone attacked someone else in front of Taco Bell with their teeth.
Obviously that place is fucked and it could have been the food (Gallons of sour cream or Mad Cow-infected bull jizz? Which is cheaper?), except. Except. Not two seconds later, they switched to a story about a finding of two bodies under the bleachers at the college completely disemboweled. Not cleanly. Police have been getting emergency calls of people narrowly escaping people trying to bite them. A nurse was hospitalized when a patient tore a chunk out of her arm. Arrests are through the roof.
I mean it’s just nuts. I’ve never seen so much violence at one time, much less seemingly without a purpose. Much less so… feral. Maybe it’s something in the water. Better dredge Lake Bemidji. JK, I’d rather they didn’t. Why? I don’t know, I just…
Look, it’s a pristine portrait of nature’s beauty, all right? Leave it alone. It’s probably something in the air, anyway. They should… take air samples, or something.
I drove past the graveyard across from the football field on my way to Target today. I saw at least three fresh graves empty, waiting to be filled. Piles of dirt next to them. I’m usually a pretty apathetic person, but that was eerie.
Story time! I walked out of Hagg Sauer this afternoon, through the door closest to the lake because I wanted to take the scenic route up the back street along the shore to the Bangsburg parking lot. So I’m walking along, chillin, you know. Then I see some blood on the ground. Yeah. No shit.
Then there was more. And more, and more until I realized I was following a trail. It only briefly and faintly dawned on me that there would likely be something… unpleasant at the end. So I kept walking. Listening to the wind through the trees (cliche because it’s a common noise, so eff off) and my feet scratching on the concrete, and grunting and flesh rending and blood splattering on the ground…
Dafuq? I slowed to a knees-bent stealth walk as I edged along the side opposite of, oh. There was a bush rustling, too. On the right. So I was edging along the left side of the trail, peaking into the brush. That was when I saw the blonde chick digging a hole in a guy’s chest cavity with her face.
Now, obviously that was terrifying. But when she looked up at me- her face would have been really pretty in normal circumstances, but it was covered in blood- and when she locked eyes with me, and I saw something that was anything but humanity…
When you watch actors portraying zombies, even the best ones, and they have that empty-ass look in their eye, it’s believable. And if you ever have the misfortune to be stared down by someone who actually wants and means to kill you, that’s terrifying. But what I saw in the eyes of what was left of that girl… There are no words.
Shocked only momentarily, I kicked in autopilot and mobilized. Patted my pockets, instinctively. But obviously I don’t carry a weapon. Looked around. Trees. Looked down. Rock! Yes! As the girl-thing lunged at me, I bent to pick up the rock. She tripped over my crouched form and fell. I spun and brought the rock down on her forehead- one good crunch and she was still.
Panting and shaking, I drug her body into the woods next to the empty dude. Walked, as quickly but naturally as possible, to my car. Popped the trunk and pulled out my cinder block and (short) synthetic rope I save for these kinds of occasions.
If you can’t tell where this is going, I tied them together, tied the bundle to the block, stole a canoe, and dropped them in the middle of Lake Bemidji. Well, not exactly in the middle. That would be too obvious. And if you actually believed any of that, you’re an idiot!
I never even saw any people like that, and they’re not sunk at the bottom of the lake, either. Just like that hobo isn’t buried in a stand of trees downtown, and definitely not still in my yard! Duh!
Heh. But whether you believed it or not, I hope you enjoyed the story. Seriously though, this biting violent streak thing is hella weird. Tell me what you think in the comments. And no “The zombies have come!” Be real.